Good Orderly Direction!

A few twenty-four hours ago, along with being two thousand miles away from home was the beginning of the end for me.  Instead of using the tools that were given me on my road to recovery twelve years prior, I allowed myself to take control of my life again.  Well the rest is history, same as everyone else, my story isn’t any different, however it took place in another country.  Bottom is bottom!  However, the madness began with just a drink instead of a meeting or calling my sponsor whom I dismissed one year prior.  I had a situation not a problem; however the choices I made created a big problem, which could have resulted in death.  Therefore, God had to step into my life and carry me along the way.

Stuck in the insanity that drink led to a long road of three years of madness.  Yes, the drink led to weed, the weed led to coke, the coke lead to crack instantly.  That’s right, where I left off twelve years prior is where I started, just like is says in the Big Book, however the seed of recovery was also planted twelve years ago.  After almost loosing my right hand in an accident, along with being told I was going to be disabled the rest of my life it was time to get some help.  Coming back to the United States to start my life all over again, along with seeing the best hand specialist in the United States I was given another chance.  Stuck on stupid I didn’t take advantage of this opportunity again, especially since I had gotten my hand under control with therapy, four surgeries and plenty of Demerol.  Being dishonest again by not telling the doctor I was an addict, led me into more secrets and continued insanity.  The guilt was killing me to a certain extent, especially after coming down and looking at my family.  After a lot of rationalization, paranoia, sickness, a dysfunctional relationship, it was time to go to treatment along with a geographical move.  Determined to get back on track I went into treatment, however stayed in the dysfunctional relationship because I was codependent as hell.  I thought I could help them when I should have kept the focus on me; unfortunately, I was convinced that it was ok to make a little money while in recovery as long as I didn’t use.  How long do you think that lasted? That’s right, not long at all before I was back using again, however still determined I knew I needed to get out of this relationship making another geographical move.  However, I had it all figured out. I needed to be closer to my family before entering treatment.  So I made that move back home with a lot of support positive and negative.  Holding on to some of those secrets still continued the madness.  Yet still not hopeless, just helpless in my mind, along with stubborn, I was basically refusing to let go absolutely.

Finally the moment of truth came, however the paranoia was still there it just didn’t matter it came.  Of course another treatment center came into play along with another geographical move, but that was ok.  As long as I was on the path it was truly ok especially since I didn’t have any problem getting on the path anyway.  Staying on the path was my problem, along with surrendering the control to someone other than myself, that one is God and I have found him now!

Where I am today with that God of my understanding?  He is still driving for me one day at a time.  We attend 4-5 meetings weekly, talk to my sponsor on a regular basis, stay in the steps, along with prayer and meditation. He gives me enough light to take the next step. God has truly given me Good Orderly Direction.  Those promises have come true.

Just another addict